All the time.

Valentine's Day 2013 has come and gone...what a hard day to celebrate love...though I do so love my Addy and my Ross...and we really should be celebrating love all the time.

I can't believe it's been almost 3 months, but then again it seems like tonight should just be my night at the hospital again.  I would kiss Addy goodnight and Ross goodbye.  My computer would be there already, with my pillow and down throw - I would get a spot at the top of the ramp, hopefully (or I would forget where I parked again...I forgot where I parked all the time), I would stop at the floor 2 PICU desk and sign again for the bazillionth time and rush all the way through the old unit...then the new one, and then there he would be waiting for me.  I never stopped being nervous during that walk until I could see his vitals again on the monitor...Baby Einstein would be playing Baby Da Vinci, the chest tube would be stretched across his crib with his silver beads and his ball hanging from it next to his left hand and hopefully he would smile at me when I said hi buddy and kissed his cheek.  He would shake those beads with all his might.  Hmm, what would we do tonight?  I would change his diaper, wipe him down with his chlohexadine wipes (the ICU bath) and then put Sween cream on his little cheeks and tangerine chapstick on those little lips and I would wait for him to lick it off.  That was my favorite.  We would read some books and talk, and bat at some toys, and give kisses to all those toes, and when he fell asleep I would turn off the TV and lights and pet his head until I was too tired to stand next to him.  Sweet little head...but maybe he would have his ETT out again?  Be on the floor?  I can't even think about the possibility that he could have been at home with us by now...I used to think about that all the time...

It is good to keep busy.  When I am busy I don't spend as much time on the whys or what ifs...Addy however, has a very busy mind.  Her little mind blows my mind..."all the time" as she would say.  I'll throw some questions and comments out there for the abyss, and if the abyss has answers, please let me know...I try to give her answers but mostly I don't have any...

Mommy, why did Ryder have to go to Heaven?  Why don't the other babies have to go to Heaven?
Mommy, how did Ryder get to Heaven, did he fly there?  Did Jesus bring him there in his car seat?
Did you see Jesus take Ryder to Heaven?
Why was Ryder sick, Mommy?
Is Ryder going to grow up in Heaven?
Mommy, do we sleep in Heaven?  I am going to have my bed next to Ryder's crib...and next to Mommy and Daddy and everybody.
Mommy, what do we eat in Heaven?  Can I bring my Bitty there?
Mommy, why hasn't Jesus sent us any pictures on your phone of Ryder?  Can I call him?  When is he bringing him back?
Daddy, can we take Kiko's airplane over the clouds to visit Ryder?  Why not? 
Mommy, am I going to go to Heaven tomorrow-day?  I don't want you to go there before me.  Or Daddy.  I don't want you to leave me.
I don't want to live in a new house ever, I want to just go live in Heaven with Ryder.
Can Ryder hear me when I talk to him?  Can he see me in my room?  In my bath?  At my school?
Addy hasn't asked about the little white box in the front of the church yet.  I am so thankful for that.

She loves her brother so much - such a good big sister.  Now he gets to watch over her...all the time.


Love.

Forever.

All the time.