The Park With All The Flowers

We have spent a lot of time lately at the Park...the park with all the flowers as Addy calls it.  She hasn't asked yet why this park has no swings or slides but she seems content that we are going there to visit Ryder's Christmas Tree.  We hope he would like it - very shiny, draped with his favorite silver beads (a replica, that is, hopefully he doesn't mind I have hoarded the real ones).  His tree is guarded by 3 little soliders, one for Addy, one for Ross and one for me.  They take their post seriously, we only caught one lying down on the job, but I think the snow was a bit much for him - he is back on his feet now.  I have told myself a thousand times that Ryder isn't actually there in that park, but I'd like to believe he is watching us stand there, listening to us talk to him, and that he likes looking at that shiny tree.  His little tree sits close to the road that winds around the "park" but not too far off the actual road where there is always a quiet hum as cars drive by.  From his spot you can see beautiful sunsets, and the sunrises aren't too bad either.  There are no big scary tombstones, only markers with vases and flowers, or I suppose anything else you can fashion that will stick in one of those vases to amuse an angel baby...

Standing there in that park is always sad, but I am thankful that most of the time the sadness also comes with a quiet bit of peace.  It helps that it's winter now as I can be reminded that while we stand there in the cold, alone, in that park, he is warm.  He is never alone.  He can never again be poked, prodded, cut, ECHO'ed or cathed.  He is loved 24-7, a task that we attempted down here but isn't humanly possible.  We had to sleep sometimes.  Ryder preferred to be up at 3am watching the hall and doing his best to make noise to beckon anyone he could find to join him at his bedside...and how could you resist those beautiful blue eyes, that perfect grin...

We are doing ok.  There are bad days, and there will continue to be bad days for a long time, forever I suspect, but we still have hope and that is all that really matters.  I feel very lost sometimes, and I know that is normal but with time we will figure out what we are supposed to do next.  For now, I just have to go to work and come home to play afterwards, and that is enough.  What will never fail to give me hope is knowing that there is a plan.  I don't have to understand this plan but it is already made, so I don't have to worry about that at least.  "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  Maybe you doubt that, but losing our Ryder, this past year, this life is not random.  Maybe it seems random that Ross happened to end up in Missouri for medical school the same year as I did, or that we ended up married, or that we moved to Phoenix but then decided to move to Kansas City for residency - though we had no family that lived here.  Then we stayed, and Ross was working at Children's Mercy - where Ryder would later be born, and spend his entire life...but we didn't know that yet, Addy came first, and then our Ryder...with only half of a heart...and he needed a fetal ECHO...and the cardiologist trained in Boston and knew of a fetal intervention that had only been done a handful of times...and I just READ a paper about that the night before...and then Boston, and then home and then he was here.  Well he was supposed to be here February 21st but the whole c-section/cardiac surgery was postponed a week to wait for his surgeon to come back from abroad.  And THEN he was here.  He was amazing.  He was perfect.  And then he was gone...and Ross and I are standing together in the Park with All the Flowers next to Ryder's Christmas Tree...on the exact same spot we were standing 8 years ago before any of these plans were known to us.  We were at my great-grandfather's funeral.  He died on February 21st in 2004 (the year Ross and I would be married).  Now how could such a plan be woven by accident?  And that is only part of the plan...hope says there is a future...and though Ryder won't be treading the path with us down here, we will be carrying him with us forever.