The laundry

Sitting at Starbucks...just dropped off Addy at her friend Claire's birthday party.  I can't believe she is big enough to go to a friend's house for her birthday--but I suppose Claire will have more fun playing with friends who don't have any mommy legs to hang on to.  It is incredible to think about how many little moments go by like that when you aren't ready for them.

We had Ryder's birthday party as planned on February 28th.  It actually felt so comfortable to walk in those doors again, like coming home after you've been away on a long trip.  It had been just shy of 3 months but it was like I just walked down that hall last the day before.  It is really odd the tricks your heart can play on you...I think the last second before I looked over at Ryder's old room I was sure that I would see his giraffe velcroed to the crib and I would realize this was all a really long dream.  More miraculous things have happened, right? 

It was great to see all of our "extended family" again and Addy had a blast.  It took her about 8 seconds to warm up and then she danced for everyone, gave out a lot of hugs, and proudly announced she was going to be a nurse when she grew up...and a princess.  Girl has goals.  She didn't forget when she left to ask for a sticker at the desk, like she's done a hundred times before...

 There will always be things, and more importantly people, that it is impossible not to cling to when they are gone.  Initially there is a lot of things that represent the people that you can hold on to - pictures and movies, that's a given.  Clothes.  Toys.  How can you ever imagine you will treat a $3 plastic ball like it's gold, and then cringe when it's played with.  Then you start hanging the toys on your Christmas tree and pack them away as if they were made of crystal.  Chapstick.  The tangerine kind, but one is not enough, because what if you can't find more when it runs out?  So you buy $50 worth of it at Whole Foods.  That is a lot of chapstick.  And, of course, the laundry.  Ross took out anything with baby poop on it and washed it right away - I'm not sure if he actually predicted the potential issues with poop laundry or if he was just being practical...but as of last week I have managed to snuggle any remaining Ryder scent out of everything else.  The only thing left in the laundry bag now is a pair of socks.  They are the ones he was wearing in the last picture Ross took of him kicking his toys hanging above his crib late on November 29th.  I don't know what to do with those socks yet but for now, they stay in the bag...and now I will have to sleep with Ryder's teddy bear instead.

Raffie O'Newman